Most parents want to help their children develop into healthy individuals even after divorce. They can often find ways to overcome the disagreements that led to the end of the marriage, even when they hold different values and perceptions. However, some parents find it very difficult to transcend these differences and become engaged in endless conflict that is harmful to the children and to each other.
Co-Parenting With Conflicted Parenting Styles
Many family courts award joint custody, even when parents are in total disagreement about how to raise the children and express open hostility toward each other. These parents often find it difficult to work together, but it is possible. According to psychotherapist and founder of Parenting After Divorce, Dr. Philip M. Stahl, the first step is to disengage.
“If you disengage,“ says Dr. Stahl, “it's like you have developed a 'demilitarized zone' around your children and have little or no contact with the other parent.” Parents who are disengaged do not communicate about minor incidents. They share important information but do not debate. Email can be a very effective way to communicate while parents learn to disengage.
Of course parents communicate with each other about urgent and important situations even while practicing disengagement. For example, if a child is sick, parents will let each other know about prescribed medications, potential side effects and other details.
Co-Parenting Through a Neutral Party
Many divorced parents find that they can only co-parent effectively by working through neutral decision-makers. Many courts are willing to appoint professionals to assist these families. This may be especially effective when either parent mistrusts the other. Some parents find it easier to follow the advice of a third party than that of the other parent.
Working with a neutral professional may help conflicted parents to avoid going back to court. It may also be an effective way to come up with a parenting plan. Such a plan should determine how parents will share in doctor visits, sports activities and other aspects of the child’s life. For example, one parent may be in charge of dental care while the other schedules after-school classes. A structured parenting plan often helps children.
Parenting Classes
Many courts recommend specific parenting classes as part of the divorce agreement. These classes often help parents to see how their continued conflict may hurt their children. Facilitators are often experienced professionals with useful suggestions for co-parenting effectively.
However, parents who wish to set aside their conflicts and put their children’s needs first may also find such classes through their county extension office, a local church or other sources. Some organizations, such as Putting Kids First, offer classes online. Therefore, even parents who are not ordered to take parenting classes may still find them.
Divorces often occur because of hostility, so continuing to co-parent effectively is almost always difficult. However, transcending this inherent conflict is necessary for the sake of the children. Parents who are willing to put their children’s needs first may benefit from learning to disengage. Neutral third-parties and parenting classes may help these parents to be more effective and caring co-parents, even when the conflict is great.
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Beth Ellen McKinney - I am a credentialed teacher with many years of experience in a variety of settings. I currently teach at an alternative high school in an ...
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